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I believe it's been a while since I've been on here.  I'm always busy with myspace or facebook to even bother getting on here.  I suppose I should put some of an effort in keeping this old thing going.  I think I might just make a new account, but then again, this one has been with me for a really long time.  Old memories.  I've gotten introubhle with this account and I use to have loads of bullshit on this account as well.

I don't know, we'll see. 

I've been doing a lot better than I was about a year ago.  I've learned to let go and keep my holding my head up high.  There is no sense in me sitting with my head down contemplating about everything that happened in the past.  So, that's a plus.

Still no relationships with me.  I don't see them really worth the time right now.  I mean I'm more focused on school then wasting my time on a boy.  Plus, I don't think I'm ready to make a commitment to someone.  The idea of getting hurt or loving someone, has little interest in me.  Guys come and go, I should experience relationships and have a sex life, but why?  Most of the guys that I have run into are either, liars, concieted, or have low self esteem.  So, why should I bother?!

It's my last year of High School and I'll be a Freshmen at a community college here.  I'm growing up and it's sort of weird to say that.  The only problem I'm having is that I still have not found out what I want to be "when I grow up."  Maybe I'll major in Forensic Science?  I don't know, I have to really sit down and think about what I want to do and what is interesting to me.  I want to find something that fits my personality.  I don't know, I'll hopefully find out sometime soon.

=/

These days I'm not feeling so much like myself.  I guess I'm thinking too much about shit going on in my life.  Like change.  Change is suppose to be good right?  Well in some ways I feel like I HAVE to change for people and not for myself.  I don't have the piercings I did before, I'm getting my gauges taken out and having my ears sewed up in December.  I like change, but I don't want to change by force.  I like the way I look. I mean yeah the way I dress sucks, but I like it.  It's comfortable to me.  I don't want to wear dresses or anything like that.  It's not me.  I miss my fishnets, piercings, my plaid skirts and jacket, and whatever other shit I had that's now gone. 

The only change I guess you could say that I am happy about is being away from drugs and alcohol.  As my sister puts it as, my mother's boyfriend turned me into a druggy.  It kind of hurt my feelings the way she said it, but it's true.  I feel stupid for excepting the drugs he gave to me.  But I don't know, I was curious.  I wanted a get away from everything that was hurting me.  I wanted to feel numb and I liked being awake for hours thinking about everything I could.  I miss being able to write and draw.  But oh well, I can't really do anything now.  And alcohol.  Now that I live with my sister, four years from now I can drink legally.  I'm going to miss it, but I guess it's for the better.  Alcoholism runs in my family and I don't think I really want to take after my dad or anyone else.  But I guess being sober is "the way to go" or is that just bullshit?  Hopefully it isn't.  I've got three nephews and I dont' want to be a bad influence on them.

I feel like a bad person because of all the things I did.  Time after time I wish I could go back in time and just stop myself from even doing drugs and drinking.  I'm really happy my nephews never saw me when all that shit was going on.  I would of been ruined.  I mean the thought of them not knowing what the fuck is going on with me yet possibly scaring them breaks me.  I feel stupid, I guess I am stupid.

As for my mom and sister that died.  Well, I don't know what to do.  I mean I feel bad for not being there and keeping them far away from me.  Even though I hardly ever told them that I loved them, I did.  I still do.  Just feelings like that I don't know how to express.  I know it's there I just can't show it.  I find it awkward.  I mean  I think it's even weird now because now that I live with my half sister she tells me she loves me all the time.  I don't know what to say.  In my head I'm saying "I love you too" but I just can't say it.  It's awkward.  I mean it's awkward feeling loved and close to someone that hasn't been in my life for the past 8 to 7 years.  I still feel bad for not ever telling my mom and sister that I loved them.  Am I a bad person for not telling them?  Do they even know that I cared about them even though I distanced myself from them?  I want to know the answers to my questions but I don't think I'll ever get an answer.  I guess I'm stuck not knowing.

Hmmm

So, after not being on this thing in so long...It seems really confusing, I can't seem to work this thing so well.

But anyway, nothing really has been going on.  Nothing too new with me I guess.  Well except for the fact that I don't have a mom or a sister anymore.  They died in a car accident on the 12th of August.  Not that it's really that important but I just thought I'd say something about it.  I can't seem to vent out what's on my mind to the family I have left so I'll most likely be venting out on this thing.  I mean, it sort of seems like no one uses this thing anymore anyway.  So I'm sort of thinking that I'll be safe from critizism?  Maybe not, but I'll just have to see I suppose.

I'm really shocked at how much people comment me about "God" though.  Do I really look interested in wanting to know about you religion?  I hope not, I'm far from believing in something that I believe isn't really true.  In my head I'm still thinking that "God" is something that was made up by early man.  But hell, religion isn't something I want to talk about.  So it ends here.

Blah

I wonder why I still have this thing.  I can't seem to delete it.  Everytime I try it says 'invalid password or user ID' wtf?  I'm pretty sure I can type in my password just fine.  But okay?  Anyway I'm bored.  No one seems to get on this thing as much as they use to.  I can understand why.  Myspace is kind of somewhat more intertaining then this.  But that's just my opinion.

Anyway, IF any of you that come to my site find me interesting and shit; then add me on myspace.  Here's the link:

www.myspace.com/endlessxxxmemories

yup...

To The Christian People:

I am not interested in what you have to say to me.  I'm not trying to be rude in any way.  But forcing someone to believe in what you believe in is pathetic and it just makes people get annoyed with you.  So please do not leave me a comment about how much 'god' "loves" me.

It's pathetic.